Empathy and validation

Feeling with someone is not the same as telling them their feelings are valid. Empathy can be chosen, and a therapist who only validates stops being a companion.

Our reading of the idea · 5 claims from 4 people, in their own words

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Who uses this model Everyone Wendy Behary 2 Arielle Schwartz 1 Esther Perel 1 Jonathan Shedler 1

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Telling a patient "your feelings are valid" is not therapy: it is the mirror image of "get a grip", and it makes the therapist a judge of feelings instead of a companion in them.

Mental modelThe therapeutic alliance

Jonathan Shedler 22 Jun 2026 Clinical psychologist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCSF The phrase "your feelings are valid" does not invite curiosity or deeper self-understanding, which is the point of psychotherapy. It is the mirror image of "stop whining and get a grip." One sounds warm and one sounds harsh, but neither deepens self-awareness. Skilled Therapists Don't Say "Your Feelings Are Valid"jonathanshedler.substack.com · 22 Jun 2026

Their wordsThe phrase "your feelings are valid" does not invite curiosity or deeper self-understanding, which is the point of psychotherapy. It is the mirror image of "stop whining and get a grip." One sounds warm and one sounds harsh, but neither deepens self-awareness.

↗Skilled Therapists Don't Say "Your Feelings Are Valid"jonathanshedler.substack.com
22 Jun 2026

Empathy does not have to be a faucet stuck on: as an adult you can choose when and how much to feel what others feel.

Arielle Schwartz 27 Sept 2017 Clinical psychologist, EMDR consultant and yoga teacher in Boulder, Colorado As an adult, I can now choose when and how much to sense and feel. I also give myself permission not to feel sometimes. Empathy (or how to adjust your faucet…)drarielleschwartz.com · 27 Sept 2017 All korrents from this piece

Their wordsAs an adult, I can now choose when and how much to sense and feel. I also give myself permission not to feel sometimes.

↗Empathy (or how to adjust your faucet…)drarielleschwartz.com
27 Sept 2017

If you do not accept your own feelings you cannot connect with other people's, and may shut them down.

Mental modelRegulate, then reflect

Esther Perel 21 Apr 2020 Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating… if you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own. What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com · 21 Apr 2020

Their wordsif you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own.

↗What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com
21 Apr 2020

Nobody living with a narcissist should feel obliged to become their therapist.

Wendy Behary 30 Jul 2020 Psychotherapist, founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center… And no one should feel burdened to become the therapist of the narcissist in their life. It's not your responsibility as a partner, as a child of a narcissist, or even a friend. ERP 226: How To Understand And Deal With a Narcissist, an Interview With Wendy Behary [Transcript]drjessicahiggins.com · 30 Jul 2020

Their wordsAnd no one should feel burdened to become the therapist of the narcissist in their life. It's not your responsibility as a partner, as a child of a narcissist, or even a friend.

↗ERP 226: How To Understand And Deal With a Narcissist, an Interview With Wendy Behary [Transcript]drjessicahiggins.com
30 Jul 2020

Narcissists can change meaningfully in therapy, though nobody changes completely, and most of the work is persisting with empathic confrontation past the first rebuff.