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Early templates

What a child learned about being seen, comforted or let down becomes the template adults run on: in relationships, in expectations, even in addiction.

Our reading of the idea · 9 claims from 5 people, in their own words

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Who uses this model Everyone Jonathan Shedler 3Annie Wright 2Gabor Mate 2Terry Real 1Wendy Behary 1
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Childhood trauma is the template for every addiction, including the socially rewarded ones.

  1. Gabor Mate Physician and author on addiction Childhood trauma is the template for addiction-any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile. BEYOND DRUGS: The Universal Experience of Addictiondrgabormate.com · 5 Apr 2017
    Their wordsChildhood trauma is the template for addiction-any addiction. All addictions are attempts to escape the deep pain of the hurt child, attempts temporarily soothing but ultimately futile.

    ↗BEYOND DRUGS: The Universal Experience of Addictiondrgabormate.com

    5 Apr 2017

Trauma is not confined to terrible events: a child whose parents were too stressed or distracted to see them has been traumatized too.

  1. Gabor Mate Physician and author on addiction But trauma is not restricted to horrific experiences. It refers to any set of events that, over time, impose more pain on the child than his or her sensitive organism can process and discharge. BEYOND DRUGS: The Universal Experience of Addictiondrgabormate.com · 5 Apr 2017
    Their wordsBut trauma is not restricted to horrific experiences. It refers to any set of events that, over time, impose more pain on the child than his or her sensitive organism can process and discharge.

    ↗BEYOND DRUGS: The Universal Experience of Addictiondrgabormate.com

    5 Apr 2017

The expectation that another person can make everything better originates in early childhood experiences of parents as all-powerful.

  1. Jonathan Shedler Clinical psychologist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCSF This expectation is a vestige of early childhood and the small child's experience of their parents as omnipotent-able to provide whatever is needed to make everything all better. Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com · 21 Sept 2026All korrents from this piece
    Their wordsThis expectation is a vestige of early childhood and the small child's experience of their parents as omnipotent-able to provide whatever is needed to make everything all better.

    ↗Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com

    21 Sept 2026

Narcissism runs along a spectrum rather than being a category, and schema therapy treats it by working back to what early life embedded.

  1. Wendy Behary Psychotherapist, founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center… the approach that I use is called Schema Therapy, and Schema Therapy is designed to work with very complex personality types, personality disorders, and even those that are happening along a spectrum ERP 226: How To Understand And Deal With a Narcissist, an Interview With Wendy Behary [Transcript]drjessicahiggins.com · 30 Jul 2020
    Their wordsthe approach that I use is called Schema Therapy, and Schema Therapy is designed to work with very complex personality types, personality disorders, and even those that are happening along a spectrum

    ↗ERP 226: How To Understand And Deal With a Narcissist, an Interview With Wendy Behary [Transcript]drjessicahiggins.com

    30 Jul 2020

Opening a fixed relational pattern takes two things: the implicit made explicit, and the person's own recoil from what they see.

Mental modelThe pursue-withdraw cycle

  1. Terry Real Family therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy Neurobiologists tell us that it takes two things to unlock and open up a neural pathway. The first is that the implicit must be made explicit. Sometimes you need help seeing what you don't see. But you must be open to the feedback. Second, there must be some sort of recoil, a sense of discrepancy, of "Oh no, I'm not sure I really want to keep doing that." The Myth of the Individualterryreal.com · 11 Aug 2023
    Their wordsNeurobiologists tell us that it takes two things to unlock and open up a neural pathway. The first is that the implicit must be made explicit. Sometimes you need help seeing what you don't see. But you must be open to the feedback. Second, there must be some sort of recoil, a sense of discrepancy, of "Oh no, I'm not sure I really want to keep doing that."

    ↗The Myth of the Individualterryreal.com

    11 Aug 2023

Victim entitlement is the unconscious belief that suffering and victimhood earn a person special compensation.

Mental modelThe pain beneath the symptom

  1. Jonathan Shedler Clinical psychologist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCSF It is the unconscious conviction that one is entitled to special compensation in proportion to suffering and victimhood. Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com · 21 Sept 2026All korrents from this piece
    Their wordsIt is the unconscious conviction that one is entitled to special compensation in proportion to suffering and victimhood.

    ↗Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com

    21 Sept 2026

Believing suffering is a claim ticket for compensation becomes a powerful resistance to psychological change.

  1. Jonathan Shedler Clinical psychologist and clinical professor of psychiatry at UCSF The fantasy that suffering is a claim ticket becomes a powerful resistance to psychological change. Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com · 21 Sept 2026All korrents from this piece
    Their wordsThe fantasy that suffering is a claim ticket becomes a powerful resistance to psychological change.

    ↗Masochism: When Suffering Becomes a Way of Lifejonathanshedler.substack.com

    21 Sept 2026

Schemas are the direct result of core emotional needs going unmet in childhood.

  1. Annie Wright Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and executive coach Schemas do not appear out of nowhere. They’re the direct result of core emotional needs not being met in childhood. Schema Therapy for Driven Womenanniewright.com · 6 Apr 2026
    Their wordsSchemas do not appear out of nowhere. They’re the direct result of core emotional needs not being met in childhood.

    ↗Schema Therapy for Driven Womenanniewright.com

    6 Apr 2026

More in therapy

Regulate, then reflect The pain beneath the symptom Attachment patterns The pursue-withdraw cycle The therapeutic alliance What counts as evidence Empathy and validation