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← People and their mental models

Esther Perel's mental models

3 claims Esther Perel made fit 2 mental models. Most often: Regulate, then reflect, Empathy and validation. Everything they said here.

Models they name

Their own words name the idea.

Regulate, then reflect

Insight does not land in a body that is on alert. Calm the nervous system first, then ask what the feeling means, and put words to it as you go.

Used by 1 other

The first step in regulating stress is to identify and put words to your feelings.

  1. Esther Perel Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating… The first step in stress-regulation is our ability to identify and articulate our feelings, whether it’s to ourselves, our diaries, or our loved ones. What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com · 21 Apr 2020
    Their wordsThe first step in stress-regulation is our ability to identify and articulate our feelings, whether it’s to ourselves, our diaries, or our loved ones.

    ↗What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com

    21 Apr 2020

Naming the parts of a vague distress is crucial to coping with it.

  1. Esther Perel Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating… Breaking it down into parts—and giving those parts names—is crucial to our health, safety, and sanity. What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com · 21 Apr 2020
    Their wordsBreaking it down into parts—and giving those parts names—is crucial to our health, safety, and sanity.

    ↗What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com

    21 Apr 2020

If you do not accept your own feelings you cannot connect with other people's, and may shut them down.

Mental modelEmpathy and validation

  1. Esther Perel Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating… if you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own. What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com · 21 Apr 2020
    Their wordsif you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own.

    ↗What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com

    21 Apr 2020

Models we see in what they say

Our reading: their claim applies the idea without naming it. The claim is theirs; filing it here is ours.

Empathy and validation

Feeling with someone is not the same as telling them their feelings are valid. Empathy can be chosen, and a therapist who only validates stops being a companion.

Used by 3 others

If you do not accept your own feelings you cannot connect with other people's, and may shut them down.

Mental modelRegulate, then reflect

  1. Esther Perel Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating… if you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own. What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com · 21 Apr 2020
    Their wordsif you are not aware and accepting of your own feelings, then you won’t connect with the feelings of the people around you. You may even shut them down because you don’t allow your own.

    ↗What Is This Feeling? Anticipatory Grief and Other New Pandemic-Related Emotionsestherperel.com

    21 Apr 2020